1. Girls are told by their parents to look for someone who is much similar to the family’s guy role model.
2. Girl is now introduced to the concept of the “ideal guy”.
3. Girl now waits for the right time.
4. Girl meets boy.
5. Girl gets to know “boy”.
6. Girl saw “ideal guy” characteristics.
7. Girl liked “boy”.
8. Girl invested feelings for the boy.
9. Boy doesn’t seem to reciprocate the feelings.
10. Boy dumps girl, looks for his “ideal girl”.
11. Girl gets insecured.
12. Girl results to bullshit trying to solve bullshit.
13. Girl realizes that even the “ideal guy” could inflict hurt.
14. Girl re-constucts the “ideal guy” image.
15. Girl experiments.
16. Girl looks for potential partners along the way.
17. More bullshits to follow.
18. Until one day, girl is tired of looking for the one good characteristic.
19. Girl now chooses the “Bad Boy” for her ideal guy.

There is this certain ideology that one should find a partner who is at the same status quo or of the same upbringing, or probably share interest, level of education and etc. Guys also follow this same ideology. I’m not saying that since they follow it, no one can bend it, but there are still some persistent souls who dive in a relationship with someone who is foreign to her way of life, thinking and ideals.

Cause the more you try improving yourself, the more hurtful it is when you get dumped. All efforts are wasted because guy’s appreciation is overpriced. Good girls don’t like settling for bad boys. We don’t suffer mesiahnic complex and we do not alway hope  that bad boys will change. It’s just that are our ideals were crushed during the time we were hopeful. As we meet jerks of everyday, the more they make girls feel insecured. The more the girl feels insecure, the more the girl feels she is not deserving. The girl now settles for the bad boy thinking that he is the one who is just right for her “level”. So the girl’s logic gets more and more twisted that sometimes she doubts if a guy whom she would feel  belonged with exists.

My point?

I am confused already with who I am, who I want to be because I keep on trying to impress someone who will not even take time and just maybe give a little recognition for the little good deeds. If it is all too wrong to chase for a hypothetical triving chance, I most definitely regret it.–might even resent it. It came down to my senses earlier that I failed on improving myself. I keep telling people that I will change for the better, for me. But it would seem that I still haven’t done anything and still haven’t moved forward. I was still on the same weak ground as I was when I got theoretically dumped.

I’m too hasty and hoped that my self-improvement would become an overnight success. So I loathe myself for keep trying and still failing. I am so full of loathing that I end up not knowing where am I really coming from, and why do I feel this way. It is so hard.–way freaking hard. It’s hard to trust the heart, for when it wins and things don’t go as the way you wanted them to be it is hard to face defeat. Even more when you thought you have given all. You do everything to measure up to his ideals but still, you didn’t even meet the cut.

I feel messed up, lost. And I pushed people away, because I thought I can fix it all. I can fix my mess. But it didn’t help because I didn’t listen. (lesson learned: sometimes you have to listen to what other people has to say) Maybe I held myself too high when I shouldn’t be, and maybe I stooped to low when I should be taking the high road.

I feel sorry for myself, for letting myself be eaten by my own insecurities. It got the better of me. I blamed it on others, now the others hate me. And I am sorry for it.